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Saying NO is a Complete Sentence

Simply by saying No to someone else is a complete sentence, but many people want us to justify our No and explain to them why we can’t do something they want us to do.  Saying no is a form of respect and love for ourselves as we are honoring how we are feeling inside.  Most of us were taught to respect others first, and maybe ourselves second.  Some people did not learn to respect themselves at all - and when we respect others more than ourselves, this is codependency.  Because of our codependency, many of us did not learn how to express an opinion that was authentic to us as we were fearful that someone else would not like to hear our thoughts or feelings.  Because of this fear, we learned to be quiet and to not speak our truth.

The fear of not wanting to say No and upsetting others often keeps us from being authentic to ourselves and to others.  Most often people will say that they don’t want someone to not like them if they tell them No.  They are more afraid of not being liked for saying No, than they are concerned about honoring themselves.  The author Angeles Arrien writes that this is unique in Western culture as we associate saying No to someone else as if we are saying ; “I don’t like you, therefore I’m saying No to you.”

Of course for most of us if we don’t want to do something, or if we don’t like something, it has nothing to do with liking or not liking the other person.  But as Arrien states this is how it is interpreted in the West.  For the rest of the world the stating of a No, or the boundary, is looked at more matter of factly.  When the other person hears you say No, he or she regards your No as just that, a No.  She see’s that they don’t take the NO as a personal attach per se.  The rest of the world does not personalize the boundary, but see’s it for what it is.  Arrien is speaking in generalities, but I do find that many people will comment to me that they don’t want to offend or make someone else mad if they say no.  So our culture is conditioned not wanting to offend someone else by saying No.

But, what happens is that when we do not state our boundary we are pushing down our feelings and eventually those feelings come out.  Generally those feelings come out in a passive aggressive or backhanded way.  I believe that if we are not getting our needs met directly, we will go around a person or situation and find a way to get what we want.  For example, we may end up doing what the other person wants, but we will not enjoy ourselves or we will gripe about it – that sort of thing.  So holding our tongue doesn’t help us in the long run.  What I say is that either you are going to risk seeing someone’s disappointment when you tell them No upfront, or you will be resentful and disagreeable if you go ahead and do something that you don’t want to – you will be mad at yourself then.  We have to deal with the reality of not wanting to do something either at the beginning or at the end.

Ask yourself, the next time you are not wanting to do something but hold yourself back from saying No, am I not saying No because I don’t want to offend someone else?,  Or am I afraid of the consequences of saying No?

Dealing with Manipulators in Our Lives

I recently presented to a community support group for people who are in a relationship or have a family member who is a manipulator.  The manipulator is someone who may have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, a narcissist, or someone who has Bipolar Disorder for example.  The diagnosis is not as important as much as how a person feels when they know they are being manipulated.

Manipulators want us to feel like we are the ones who are bad, stupid, guilty and generally responsible for whatever is wrong.  All of this negativity is a projection from the manipulator.  It is the manipulator who is feeling those negative things about themselves.    The manipulator is the one who feels the low self-esteem, low self-worth, self-loathing and one of their greatest fears is being alone or abandoned.  It is one of those cases of “I hate you, Don’t’ leave me”.  To an outsider, it doesn’t make any logical sense why a person who is so afraid of being alone would project such hatred, but one of the reasons could be that the manipulator wants us to feel as miserable as they do.  Misery loves company sort of thing.  The manipulator is saying those mean and harsh things to themselves each day and then pushes them onto others.   Often the manipulator has deep emotional wounding from either childhood traumas, or an extremely dysfunctional family dynamic which is the reason why they feel this way towards themselves.  This helps to explain why a person may be feeling such things, but it doesn’t excuse bad behavior or their choices.

Here are some characteristics of the manipulator;  The manipulator likes to play the role of the victim and create drama because it is distracting and exciting to them.  They like to revise the facts and history to justify their feelings which then creates even more chaos.  You may find that if the manipulator starts to feel vulnerable they will overreact with anger or physical aggressiveness so they don’t get hurt emotionally.  And, after all of this, they freak out or feel abandoned or lonely and try to manipulate their way back into our lives.  Talk about confusing and very frustrating for everyone - except for the manipulator.  The manipulator doesn’t see themselves as manipulative – they just see themselves trying to get their needs met.

A good phrase to remember when you are with a manipulator is: I didn’t cause it, can’t control it and can’t cure it.  So often we adopt a distorted belief especially as codependents that we need to fix, cure, rescue or caretake the manipulator.  But as we all know, we can only control ourselves, we can’t change someone else, so here are some tips on how to survive a relationship with a manipulator.

Stay grounded in what you know about yourself.  As I said before, the manipulator will try to get you off base and get you doubting yourself.  This is all designed so the manipulator can have a sense of control and power over you.  I have my patients create a list of grounding statements about themselves which may include things such as: I am a good listener, I love my family, I am a good cook, I am good with my hands. Etc.  This list then goes with them in their wallet or purse and every time they get to doubting themselves, I have them pull this list out and read it.  This list is not magical, but reading it reinforces who you are versus who the manipulator is trying to get you to believe who you are.

This list will help you create a boundary where you can maintain your sense of self.  So, take a moment and create a list of who you are so the next time a manipulative person in your life tries to tell you that you are wrong, ignorant, stupid or worthless, you will know that is not true – the truth is You are Magnificent.

Robert Jackman, LCPC

Pulling Weeds

Pulling weeds. Often clients will ask me about meditating and they will say how they don't have time etc. Then I ask if they have a hobby or something that they do where they can just let their minds drift? For many this could be working on their cars, cooking, sewing, and for me it's pulling weeds or working with rocks. When we are engaged in something familiar this gives our minds an opportunity to relax and not be so focused on thinking. This allows the subconscious to release ideas and process things you may have been trying to figure out. When I'm out pulling weeds (which I have a lot of), I can do that for hours and afterwards I feel like I've relaxed my mind. This is a form of non-directive meditation which you can read more about here. So the next time someone asks you if you meditate you can probably say you do - even though you didn't know that before.

From Frontiers in Human Neuroscience: researchers from Norway and Australia found that, in addition to less stress, more peace, greater self-awareness, and better concentration, participants whose brains were watched under MRI scans while they were practicing non-concentrative or non-directive meditation (one that is practiced in many modern teachings, and allows the mind to wander as it pleases without suppression of thought), actually causes parts of the brain associated with feeling and emotion processing to light up more frequently. Read More...

Self Doubt

Self doubt is a mis-trust of self.  For most of us, this is when deep down we know we like something, or we want to do something, but then we stop and question ourselves - "Do I want this?, Do I like this?"  This stopping of ourselves is the doubting which was something we learned along the way.  We were not born with a sense of doubting , we learned this from others or our environment.

Learning self doubt can come from a parent or someone else in our lives especially when we are younger asking us; "Are you sure you want to do that?, Are you sure you want to wear that?"  The question in itself isn't the problem, the problem comes in when we say to ourselves, well, I love my Mom or my Dad, maybe they know something I don't know, maybe I should listen to them and maybe I don't know what I'm doing?  So the job of the parent for example is to teach the child, but let's say this questioning keeps on happening time after time.  What would happen to the child's trust in themselves?  Exactly,  this is where the self doubt monster creeps into our consciousness.

I work with fully functioning, intelligent adults who make big decisions everyday and manage a lot in their lives.  But these same adults are troubled with self doubt.  Did I do the right thing?, Maybe I should make this or that choice?  Over and over they question themselves and they don't give up.

So, what do to about this then.

We need to first establish that you are not perfect, you and I are going to make mistakes - welcome to being human.  So with that, look back over your life and look at some of the choices you've made - the grand and the simple.  Most of us wake up with the automatic underlying assumption that we are going to make the best choices for ourselves that day.  We don't wake up consciously saying "how can I screw my life up today".   So, you are going to do your best, but you won't be perfect.

Now let's look at your internal knowing.  This is the feeling deep down of something you know you like, you want, or you need to do.  This is where the trust comes in.  Trust yourself.  You are the best person in the world to know what is good for you.  Sure, you may make wrong decisions, but not knowingly.  And, you can bounce something off a friend as in "I'm thinking about doing such and such, what do you think about that?"

My message for you today is really talking to the self doubt - am I making the right choice, is this the right time etc.  It is like worry but with a twist.  Worry is fear about a future outcome.  Self doubt is more about can I trust Myself.

Begin with small things that you know to be true such as what you like to eat or drink - trust this knowing.  Then say - this feels right to me, I can trust myself, I have believe in myself.

Push the self doubt (What does she or he think I should do), out of your head.  This is a lot of old programming that got into your head and no longer serves a purpose.  Trust yourself.

 

 

Worry Cycle

A lot of people come to me with worry or anxieties that they just can’t get rid of or move on from. Many times they feel that something is wrong with them because they are feeling all of this stress and worry. But being worried is a learned reaction to a situation that we feel is out of our control. Worry is about being fearful or uncertain about an unknown outcome tied to a future event. I say that when we worry it is an attempt to try and control or manage the outcome, but in reality we have very little control over how things work out. We can play our part and be responsible for our choices but we are not responsible for others. But as we worry we think we are “doing something about it”.

As we worry we try to forecast or become a fortune teller as to what others are going to do, or all the possible ways things will play out. We think we are being productive because we are giving our minds something to do, but all this churning of thought and emotion is just getting us wound up. We get lost in the worry and we start feeling stressed out – heart racing, head aches, nail biting etc.

The anecdote to all this worry is to calm your fear. I know easier said than done, but you have two choices, you can continue to churn and overthink this worry, or you can give yourself the gift of reassurance. What I say and I do believe is that everything does work out. Like all of us I have had many situations that were uncertain in my life and I had no idea how or when it was going to be resolved. All I knew was that I was being responsible for myself in that moment and I trusted myself.

See if you can tell yourself that things will work out. This may sound too simplistic for you, or you may have a negative attitude that this never happens to you. If you can’t accept that things will work out as a way to calm your fear, then what can you tell your mind when you start to worry? The idea is to stop the worry cycle and the first step is to become consciously aware of when you are doing this. For the really pessimistic people I work with we start out by saying when the worry surfaces “I’m not going to think about that now”. This pushes the worry away and doesn’t give it power. So that’s another way to deal with this is taking the power away from worry – not feeding it.

Worry tends to be one of those brain activities that goes on autopilot and is hard to correct, but through observation, persistence and you just telling yourself, I don’t have to worry because it’s not going to help me, can make a small but lasting difference.

Unpack your Baggage

So often people will come to see me who have been feeling depressed or sad for a long time. Often they will not know why, they just know they don’t want to feel this way anymore. When we start talking they begin to “unpack” their life and all of their issues they have been struggling with come to the light of day. They start to see how they have been carrying around old baggage that no longer serves them, but has just become so familiar to them. But, they don’t know what to do with it.

See if you can “unpack” your baggage or what you have been carrying around. Begin to do an inventory of the things you carry that feel heavy, or they are a burden. These could be the heavy heart feelings you have as you are just sitting staring out the window, or trying to concentrate, but they keep surfacing. Write them down one after the other and then step back. Seeing these heavy heart issues on paper will sometimes cause people to feel overwhelmed, or others feel a sense of “no wonder I’m sad”. This exercise helps to begin the process of perspective and putting the situations into context.

So many people I work with think that they should be able to handle situations better than they are doing. They have placed unrealistic expectations on themselves. That whatever the losses or the bad news they have received that they “shouldn’t feel so down”, that something is wrong with them. Of course, anyone would feel down if they lost a job or a loved one passed away, but for those who are hard on themselves, they are used to “punishing” themselves for not being perfect, or they are “bad or wrong” for feeling this way. This is old programming that you can move beyond as it no longer serves you.

Be gentle with yourself and normalize that your feelings are your feelings. As you unpack your feelings say to yourself, “It’s ok that I am feeling this way”. “My feelings are real, valid and these are just feelings I’m having”. The last bit is very important as your feelings are just that – feelings. Whatever you may be experiencing is going to pass.